


don't blame me

by lavenderkasp



Category: The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: F/F, Fluff and Angst, Internalized Homophobia, Leak Rilke/Fatin Jadmani, Suicide, but if you blink you might miss it, not quite sure what else to tag just read it i have a family to feed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-02
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-13 05:22:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29148150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lavenderkasp/pseuds/lavenderkasp
Summary: On a journey to find food, Shelby and Toni finally decide it's time to get on the same page about what's been going on between them. Once they get back to the base, they're blindsided by what awaits them.
Relationships: Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe
Comments: 23
Kudos: 84





	don't blame me

It had been two weeks, or at least they assumed, since Martha had saved everyone from the brink of starvation. The eight girls on the island had been so sure that help was coming that when they realized this to be false, each of them began coping in their own ways. Leah had become more and more suspicious of Nora, who had been doing her best to resolve any conflict that might arise. Dot was running on empty, after weeks of saving everyone from anything that came their way, she was absolutely exhausted. Rachel, on the other hand, couldn’t stop swimming. Nora feared she was regressing to the way she was before the retreat but Rachel assured her that the goal was just to rebuild strength in case she decided to swim and look for safety. Fatin spent most of her time nowadays crying, the goods she had been providing had inevitably run out and all she wanted was to sleep in her own bed. Martha had become almost entirely catatonic, so much so that she was scaring everyone else. Everyone had found a way to cope, whether it was healthy or not, it worked for them. Shelby and Toni coped by spending time with one another. Despite the fact that they seemingly couldn’t stand one another at the beginning of the disaster, the polar opposites now found comfort in the fact that they would never run out of things to talk about. Sure, they were stuck on an island with no rescue in sight, but the feelings that had been brewing since they first met had finally reached the surface and they were both determined to make the most of it. For Shelby, she had spent so long repressing who she truly was and although she still had a ways to go, Toni was more than willing to go at whatever pace Shelby wanted. And for Toni, after her relationship with Reagan ended, she was worried she would never find anyone who cared for her more than she did for them but with Shelby, she felt entirely protected.

As the girls sat in the sand with their life scattered around them, the sun began to set. Almost simultaneously, stomachs began to grumble.

“We need food.” Fatin spoke with a sniffle.

“Ten points to Fatin for stating the fucking obvious! Anyone else wanna give it a go?” Dot replied with a slow clap. She was met with Fatins sad eyes and the look of regret on Dot's face was almost immediate. “I’m hungry too. It feels like just when we were finally starting to get control of the situation, the island decided to throw us a curveball.”

“I can go get us some food. Or I can try. If I leave now, I can be back before it’s too dark, God willing.” Shelby spoke up, her accent thick. She stood up from her criss cross position in the sand, Toni’s hand that she had secretly been holding falling back into Toni’s lap.

“Someone should go with her, you know, buddy system and all. Especially since it’s getting dark.” Nora spoke up. Shocking everyone, Toni volunteered to go with her.

“This isn’t just some ploy for you to kill Shelby and bring her back for us to eat, right?” Leah questioned, her words sarcastic but her tone incredibly serious. To be fair, Toni could be unpredictable.

Toni put her hand to her heart, feigning hurt. “You all seriously think I rather eat a human being than be nice to Shelby and make sure she gets back safely?” The seven girls, Shelby included, nodded in response. “If I were to eat anyone, it’d be Fatin. Richer family, probably the most well fed, it’d be worth it in the long run.” Fatin flipped Toni off in response but it was the first time all day she had cracked a smile.

“You guys should get going before it gets too dark. Just scream really loud if you need anything, you know the drill.” Rachel spoke. Toni did one last head count to make sure she was able to grab enough food for everyone if they found anything. They’d been on the island for far longer than they wished to admit but Toni’s anxiety got the best of her sometimes and she needed to make sure everyone was accounted for. As she counted, she noticed Martha sitting on a rock a bit further away from the group.

“Hey, Marty! You okay?” Toni shouted, her hands cupped around her mouth. Martha didn’t respond. The other girls looked around worriedly, they knew Martha had been feeling off lately but to ignore Toni was unlike her. Toni walked over to the rock and put her hand on Martha’s shoulder, causing her to jump a bit.

“You scared me.” Martha said with a quiet voice as she picked at her nails.

“You scared me first! You didn’t answer me.” Toni replied, shoving Martha's shoulder with a smile.

“Were you talking to me? Just now?” Martha questioned. Toni had an uneasy feeling in her stomach, Martha seemed off, robotic almost.

“Yeah. I was just checking in to make sure you’re okay. Shelby and I were gonna go look for some food.”

“Isn’t it funny how you gave me shit for always being around Shelby?”

“What the fuck does that mean?” Toni balled her hands into fists at her side. After the incident with the shelter, Toni had been trying her hardest to keep her anger in check but even she knew she was like a faulty fuse.

Martha’s voice was slow, like she wasn’t really there. “I’m just saying it’s funny.”

At the sound of her friend's voice, Toni felt her fists relax a bit and she sat down next to Martha on the rock. “Are you sure you’re okay? You’re scaring me a little.”

“I keep seeing him. Every time I try to sleep, he’s there. Every time I blink, he’s there. Every time I try to think of anything else, he’s there.”

“Dr. Ted? Marty, I told you that once we get off this fuckass island I’m gonna beat that jack off to a pulp for what he did to you.”

“The goat, Toni. I keep seeing the goat. I can’t stop thinking about the other things we could have done to survive. I killed him and for what? For us to live another day to be stuck on this island? It wasn’t worth it.”

“You did what you had to do to survive, we all have. We wouldn’t be here if you hadn’t done what you did. Why don’t you try to take a nap while Shelby and I go get food? Maybe if you lay down with the other girls you can just fall asleep listening to Nora and Rachel argue instead of thinking about the goat.” Toni pulled Martha in for a side hug as Shelby called her name from a few feet away. “We gotta head out before it gets too dark but I’ll be back. If you can’t sleep tonight, I’ll stay up with you.”

Martha couldn’t help but smile. “And you call me the cheeseball? Can I go with you and Shelby?”

“Do you really think that’s the best idea? Shelby and I work good together, plus we’ll probably have to kill another animal.”

“Well.” Martha spoke solemnly, her smile long faded.

“What?”

“Well. You and Shelby work well together.”

“See you agree! I’ll try to find some fruits for you and come back soon.” Toni grabbed Martha's hand and led her back to the group where Shelby was patiently waiting. Martha sat down next to Nora but didn’t look any more relaxed.

“You ready?” Shelby questioned, trying her best not to sound excited.

“Yeah, let’s go.”

“Be safe guys!” Nora shouted.

“If you find any more vodka anywhere bring that back too!” Fatin yelled, her head raising up from Leah's lap. The group laughed, even at Fatins lowest she still found a way to lighten the mood. Toni and Shelby started walking until everyone else's voices faded into white noise and eventually, nothing at all. Toni led the way, she had spent more time in the forest than anyone. When they had first crashed onto the island, Shelby mentioned that there were “worse places God could have put us, at least this one is beautiful” and honestly, Toni began to see what she had meant. Sure, there were no basketball courts around and every day was a fight for their lives but looking at the lush greenery and listening to the quiet sounds of non-threatening animals at night had become a deranged sense of peace for Toni and she had Shelby to thank.

A voice drew Toni out of her thoughts. “Were you listening to anything I just said?”

“Were you talking to me?” Toni replied mindlessly.

“I was asking if you know where you’re going or if you’re just wandering.” Shelby said with a laugh.

“A little bit of both? I think I remembered seeing some berries on a bush or something, I’m just not sure where it was.”

Shelby paused for a minute. “What were you thinking about?”

“You.” Toni spoke without hesitation and Shelby felt her cheeks grow warm, only emphasizing her sun scorched skin. It had been a week or so since the night under the lychee tree and the two of them were yet to talk about what this meant for the future of their relationship, whether platonic or romantic. Considering the fact that Toni and Shelby didn’t know what was going on, that meant that the other girls didn’t either so whenever they were in the group, they tried their best to hide things. To be honest, it all felt very middle school of them with the quick glances, the secret hand holding and the kisses on the shoreline when no one else was looking but neither of them cared, they were together and that was more than enough for now.

“What about me?”

Toni pulled a bundle of leaves out of the way to make room for Shelby, a drastic change from the first time they were in the woods together. “I used to think it was annoying, your ability to see the good in most things. You know I had basically grown up with that being best friends with Martha and shit but you’re right. I was thinking about when you said the island was beautiful, you were right.” Toni turned around to see Shelby smiling and felt her heart race speed up. The smile she had been sick of seeing the first few days had now become Tonis favorite part of the island. The thing about Shelby was that her smile always reached her eyes so it was clear to tell when it was fake or not but Toni had never had a phony smile directed towards her.

Shelby kept walking ahead, looking around at all different angles for any sign of food when Toni ran up behind her and wrapped her arms around Shelbys waist. Being shorter than Shelby, Toni wasn’t able to rest her head on her shoulder exactly as she had intended but she was able to get pretty close.

“What was that for?” Shelby questioned in between giggles.

Toni peppered small kisses all along Shelbys back. “Nothing. Just glad to have you alone.”

Shelby tensed up and immediately unlatched Toni’s arms from around her. She decided it was best to play it off as a joke. “Are you implying that you’re going to kill me?”

“Why does everyone keep asking me if I’m going to kill you.” Toni said with an exasperated sigh, although a few weeks ago that would’ve been a safe assumption. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” Shelby replied, her tone dry and uneasy. If the tone hadn’t been enough, Shelby was struggling to make eye contact with Toni now too. Toni saw right through her and felt a pit of anxiety boiling in her stomach. Toni had done something wrong or said something wrong, as always, and had probably just fucked up something that had the potential to be great.

Toni started rambling, digging her nails into her palms. She didn’t want to explode on Shelby for something that was her fault. “Look we can go back or I can go back and say you wanted to be alone or-.”

Shelby looked down and noticed Tonis hands, a small trail of blood running down from where Tonis nails were. Cautiously, Shelby walked closer to Toni and reached out for her hands to try and unclench her fists but Toni wouldn’t budge. Tonis fists were red and hot with fear. “You didn’t do anything! Please stop, you’re bleeding.” Shelby began pleading with Toni. Their eyes met and Toni saw the worry in Shelbys eyes, yet again, she had only made things worse. Toni reluctantly released the tension in her hands and Shelby immediately began wiping the blood away with some tissues from her back pocket.

A beat passed. “What happened?” Shelby finally questioned.

“I can’t explain it, I barely know why I do it myself. I fucked up and I didn’t want to scare you by screaming. I remember how you looked at me the day I destroyed the shelter, I think it scared me more than I scared you.” Toni replied.

“You didn’t mess up. I just got scared… again. You said you were glad to have me alone and I let my mind wander to what you meant and I got scared.”

“What did I mean?” Toni questioned, genuine confusion laced in her voice. “Oh my god did you think I came out here with you so I could try to fuck you again?” Shelby winced. “Not that I don’t want to, I just like spending time with you. Sometimes I wish it was just us on the island except the island wasn’t deadly and we knew where we were.”

Shelby let out an audible sigh of relief before she started talking again. “So a vacation?” Toni smiled and nodded her head. “You just… you have it all together. I’ve never had a girlfriend before and you’ve been out for forever. It’s intimidating and rightfully so!”

Toni looked Shelby in the eye and placed her hands on Shelby’s shoulder, almost as if Shelby wasn’t steady she might just topple over from nerves. “Shelb, it doesn’t matter to me how long it takes for you to be publicly comfortable with this. I know it’s hard to work through and you know I’m here for you but we both know it’s something you have to come to terms with on your own. I’m not going anywhere.”

Before Toni was even done speaking, Shelby had tears in her eyes. “Thank you for being so understanding.” Shelby blinked as her willpower betrayed her and a single tear slid down her cheek.

“Can I kiss you?” Toni asked as she wiped the tear away. Shelby only nodded in response as Toni cupped her cheeks and pulled her in for a kiss. Unlike their first kiss which was spontaneous and filled with mixed emotions, both of them knew what this meant. They kissed each other beautifully but brokenly, each kiss imparting wishes and prayers and excitement. Wishes that they could do this all day, prayers that Shelby would be safe if and when she told anyone and excitement about what was to come. Shelby's hands found their way into Toni's hair while Toni's hands roamed down Shelbys sides, settling at her waist. The kiss deepened before Shelby reluctantly pulled away.

“You know you don’t have to ask to kiss me, right?” Shelby questioned, poking fun at Toni. Toni, someone who never seemed to care what others think, had been more respectful and understanding than Shelby ever could have imagined in this situation.

Toni blushed. “I just wanna make sure I’m not rushing you.”  
Now it was Shelby’s turn to blush. “You know we… you know… the other night. And you’re worried about kissing me? I swear you’re just the strangest -.” Shelby was cut off by Toni’s lips on hers again. By now, they were able to find each other's rhythm and Toni pulled Shelby in, her thigh wedged in the middle of Toni’s legs. Shelby let out a soft moan, soft enough that Toni wouldn’t have been able to hear it otherwise but the vibrations reverberated throughout their kiss. What felt like hours passed by, although it was probably only minutes, and Toni pulled back despite the fact that neither of them wanted to. Toni looked at Shelby, her cheeks were red and her chapped lips were swollen yet Toni thought she never looked more beautiful.

“We should probably get a move on, huh? Don’t want the rest of the girls thinking we’re dead.” Toni said as she cleared her throat. Grabbing Shelby by the hand, Toni continued to lead the way. As the two of them restarted their journey for food, small talk ensued. Questions about what they were like in high school, their favorite book, how many stuffed animals they sleep with, all of the stuff they realized they had forgotten to ask while being stuck on an island were presented.

“Nine? You sleep with nine stuffed animals? How do you even fit in your bed?” Toni questioned.

“Well I can’t just sleep with one because then the other eight will feel excluded so yes, I sleep with nine.” Shelby replied matter-of-factly.

Toni couldn’t contain the laugh that escaped her lips. “You know you’re talking about stuffed animals right? Like toys? That don’t have feelings?”

“You’ve never seen _Toy Story_.” Shelby said with her arms crossed. “It’s my brothers favorite movie so I’ve watched it a few times so yes, I know I’m talking about toys.”

“Have you ever seen _10 Things I Hate About You_?” Toni questioned.

“Like the romcom?” Shelby replied. Toni nodded her head. “Nope, never seen it.”

“My local movie theater has days where you can see older movies on the big screen for one last time and I remember seeing it there. The people who work there know by name I’m in so much but the girl who gave me my food was new and she gave me an orange Fanta on accident. Needless to say all hell almost broke loose.”

“What does that even mean?”

“Artificial orange flavoring is by far one of the worst things human beings have ever created. Just thinking about it makes me want to punch a tree.” Toni spoke, as she noticed Shelby started to laugh. “I’m serious! It’s awful.”

“If we ever get off this island, I’d love to watch _10 Things I Hate About You_ with you.” Shelby said. Her voice was soft, as if she feared she’d get rejected.

Toni didn’t even bother to hide the smile on her face. “It’s a date.” A beat passed. “Speaking of dates, you said earlier you’ve never had a girlfriend before. Am I… are we dating… did you even want to label this?”

“I was hoping you hadn’t heard that. I don’t think I’m ready to label anything just yet but if I were then yes, you’d be my girlfriend if that’s okay.”

“Fuck yeah!” Toni exclaimed as she let go of Shelby’s hand to throw both of hers up in the air, a little victory dance following. “I have the prettiest girlfriend not girlfriend in the world.” Toni’s eyes grew wide. “Oh my god. The main character in 10 Things I Hate About You kinda looks like you. I hate to break it to you but you might just be a placeholder for Kat Strafford.” The two of them erupted into a harmonious laughter. The one thing Shelby loved most about Toni was her laugh, it was contagious no matter the situation and simply seeing Toni happy was more than enough to bring a smile to Shelby's face.

The two of them continued their small talk before Shelby let go of Toni’s hand and went jogging over to a bush. “Toni, look! They look like cloudberries!” Beautiful white flowers adorned the bush and growing off of the leaves were a yellowish orange fruit that looked like raspberries. Shelby began picking some off the bushel and shoving them into her mouth and pockets.

“How do you even know what these are?” Toni questioned.

“Dottie! I was sitting next to her when she was writing some Survivor notes about berries and I read over them.”

Toni’s stomach grumbled and she reached over to grab some berries as well. The two of them were eating like they’d never get another chance, which to be fair, they might not, before they realized they needed to save some to bring back. Before they knew it, the bush had been picked clean and their pockets were filled with fruit. Toni wiped her mouth with her hand, sticky berry juice clinging to the makeshift napkin.

“You missed a spot.” Shelby spoke with a small laugh as she reached up to wipe the rest of the juice away. Locking eyes with Toni, she brought her finger to her mouth and sucked the residual juice off.

Toni felt a warmth radiate all over her body. “You’re trying to kill me. Like you’re actually fully one hundred percent trying to kill me.”

Shelby laughed, impressed she had managed to pull off that stunt without embarrassing herself. “Quite the opposite actually.”

“So you’re trying to birth me? Yet I’m the strange one?” Shelby just scoffed in response, shoving Toni’s shoulder as she did so. “We should get a move on, everyone is probably fucking starving and it’s gonna get dark soon. If anyones gonna kill me it’s gonna be you, not whatever the fuck is out here.”

As the two of them made their way through the forest, the night sky guiding their way, Shelby took a minute to look at the girl walking hand in hand with her. Toni’s hair was almost always pulled into a ponytail but she had uncontrollable baby hairs sticking out of every direction that Shelby found adorable. All Shelby’s life, she had been told she had the most beautiful eyes but all it took was one look into Toni’s to know it wasn’t a competition. Toni’s eyes were easily readable, the first indicator of how she was truly feeling, regardless of what her words said. In any type of natural light, if you looked hard enough, Tonis eyes had specks of a lighter brown in them and Shelby tried her hardest not to stare in the moonlight. Shelby had noticed in their time together that even though Toni admittedly had a problem controlling her anger, she was more than willing to sacrifice her own wellbeing if it meant someone she cared about would be safe. Shelby thought back to when Toni was quite literally on the brink of death and still tried to insist that Martha was taken care of before she was; it was then that Shelby realized just how much she cared for Toni, how much she genuinely admired her, her authenticity and her selflessness.

“You’re beautiful.” Shelby spoke up, her accent breaking the comfortable silence they had fallen into.

“You’re not too bad yourself.” Toni replied sarcastically. Although the words were laced with humor, Shelby knew how Toni felt about her. Toni was one to express her feelings by showing, not saying and that’s exactly what she did. Bringing their interlocked hands up to her lips, Toni placed a couple kisses on the top of Shelby’s hand and that was all they both needed to know they were on the same page. Toni had been dealt quite a few shitty cards in life but looking at the gorgeous girl she was able to hold hands with, none of it mattered. She forgave the world because it had Shelby. “We’re almost back to the base.” Toni let go of Shelby’s hand, mentally preparing for going back to acting like they hadn’t just had the most fun looking for food. “What’s our plan for tonight?”

Shelby hesitated for a minute before grabbing Toni’s hand again. “I- I don’t think we should have a plan tonight.” Toni looked at her, eyebrows furrowed. “I know none of them will judge us. Well, me. They already love you, they still think I’m a raging God loving homophobe and I would like to clarify at some point that only half of that is true.”

Toni could feel her heart melting inside her chest. “Are you sure?” The two of them stopped walking, the glow from the bases fire just around the corner. Shelby pulled her in for a kiss and nodded her head once she pulled away. That was all the reassurance either one of them needed and they started on the last chunk of their journey.

* * *

As the two of them rounded the corner, hand in hand, things felt off. The fire was still burning, but no one was around it. The girls stood further down the shoreline, standing in a half circle as if they were hovering over something. No one was speaking, or if they were they were quite enough that Toni and Shelby couldn’t hear them. Toni felt a pit growing in the bottom of her stomach, something was wrong and she couldn’t tell what.

“Guys! We come bearing food!” Shelby shouted as she threw her arms up in the air triumphantly. The girls turned around almost instantaneously and Toni noticed that there was something on the ground. One of the figures began jogging towards Toni and the pit in her stomach began to fade, it was probably just someone else's luggage that had finally washed up on shore.

Finally visible, Fatin made her way over to Toni and Shelby.

“Yo! Is that more shit? Please tell me Dot’s Takis finally washed up, I could fuck up a bag of those right now.” Toni said excitedly. The air around them felt still and Toni knew it was foolish of her to not trust her gut. “What happened?”

“Toni…” Fatin started.

Toni raised her voice. “What the fuck, Fatin? What’s wrong?”

“It’s Martha.” Fatins voice trembled and Toni realized she had been crying.

“What the fuck do you mean it’s Martha? Is she hurt? Why is everyone just standing around someone go fucking help her!” Toni let go of Shelby’s hand and began running towards Martha. “Marty, I’m coming!” Toni was quick but Fatin was quicker and in a matter of seconds, Fatin had caught up to her. Toni thrashed in Fatins grip, attempting to throw punches at her legs in any attempt at freedom. “Fucking let me go Fatin or I swear to God!” Shelby ran past Toni and caught up with the other girls, letting out a gasp loud enough that Toni could hear even from the distance. In a moment of weakness, Fatin released her hold on Toni who went barrelling towards the others.

Shoving everyone aside and dropping to her knees, Toni grabbed Martha's hand. “Marty, I’m here! What do you need?” It took less than a second for Toni to register that Martha’s hand was ice cold. Toni shook her shoulders and tried to fight back to fear she had. “Martha? Why are you all just standing around? Do something for fucks sake!” Even as she spoke, Toni knew there was no point. Laying in front of her was her best friend, sand caking her pale white skin. Martha’s chest didn’t rise, her fingers didn’t flinch and her eyes were closed. She was gone.

Leah spoke up, her voice raspier than normal. It was clear she had been crying too. “Toni, I’m so sorry.”

Toni stood up and shoved Leah into the sand. “Did you do this?”

Normally, Leah would’ve fought back but she stayed sitting as if any sudden movements would set Toni off even further. “No! We tried to stop her but she wouldn’t listen.”

The tears began to spill and Toni was thankful for the darkness even though she knew her voice would betray her. “What happened?”

Fatin walked over to Leah, reaching out a hand to help her up before she began speaking. “We were sitting near the fire waiting for you guys to come back. She got up and said she was gonna go wash her face, it was hot as hell today so we assumed she just wanted to cool down. By the time we had looked back up, she was swimming. Leah noticed the riptide and we all got up, started screaming at her to come back in.” Fatin paused for a second, tears returning to her eyes too. “She shouted that she was sorry, that she couldn’t do this anymore. She swam right into the riptide. We couldn’t save her.”

“Did anyone even try?” Toni shouted.

Shelby walked over to Toni, reaching for her hand. “Of course they tried.” Shelby’s intentions were pure, but Toni dropped her hand like it was volcanic.

“How the fuck would you know? You weren’t here! We were looking for food.” Toni bit back explosively. “Did anyone even try to save her?”  
Now it was Rachel's turn to speak. “I dove in after her and pulled her out but it was too late. She had already swallowed so much water. Dot even tried CPR but nothing. We’re really really sorry.”

Toni threw her hands up in the air and started screaming at the top of her lungs. If there was anything breakable nearby, Toni found it and destroyed it. Just like she had destroyed Martha. Martha had looked after Toni for years, and the one time Martha needed someone, Toni wasn’t there. And for what? Food? If Shelby had just gone alone, Toni would’ve been there. Toni could have saved Martha. Angry hot tears continued to spill down Toni’s cheek, the salt stinging her sunburnt cheeks. Toni shouted so loudly she thought she might rip her vocal chords, but anything would be less painful than what she was experiencing right now. She needed to do something, anything, besides just yelling. Did no one here care that the person least deserving of an end like this was gone? Did no one care about the fact that she was just seventeen and had her whole life ahead of her?

“Why does no one care about her? She’s fucking dead. And no one here seems to give a shit.” Toni spat, her jaw clenched as tears threatening to spill. Looking over, Toni noticed their shelter standing upright. No matter how hard she tried to fight it, her feet were moving faster than she could carry herself and she was running towards their makeshift home at full force. Images flashed of Toni sitting in the front row of Martha’s dancing competitions and Martha sitting front row at all of Toni’s basketball games. Images of the two of them trying to burp the alphabet together, Toni reading Martha her favorite books when she had a hard time sleeping, all the years of friendship played in Toni’s mind. She reached the shelter and everything she had been feeling manifested itself into destruction. Toni knew that what she was doing was wrong, would only end up hurting everyone else and inevitably herself but she couldn’t help it. She ripped branch after branch and frond after frond until all that was left was a pile of everyone's belongings. A fire had been lit inside Toni in the worst way possible and the only way to put it out was by demolishing everything they had worked towards. Martha had put her heart and soul into building the shelter and into making sure everyone was safe and all of it meant nothing if she wasn’t there to see it. Tonis screaming continued as the rage and hurt became all consuming and she began throwing anything she could get her hands on. Fatin’s shoes, Leah’s visor, Nora’s journal, everything ended up scattered.

Toni turned around and saw everyone staring at her. They had caught up long ago, even in her anger she had heard the footsteps stop, but they stood around her as if her fire would spread to them.

Leah finally broke the silence. “Toni what the fuck? We needed that.”

“And she needed me! She fucking needed me and I wasn’t there.” Toni shouted. She was met with blank stares yet again. “Why is no one pissed at me? I just ruined our main source of protection and nobody’s tried to tackle me yet.”

It was Dot’s turn to speak. “When my dad died, I wanted to drop out of school and live out of my car. Everyone deals differently. We can rebuild.”

“Not without her. We can’t do this without her. I told her death was coming for us and didn’t even know she needed me. What kind of fuckass friend does that? I had a feelings something was off when I talked to her earlier and I still fucking left her.” Toni's voice was strained and collapsed into the sand, her post-anger come down knocking all the energy out of her. She buried her head into her hands and spoke with a muffled voice. “We need- we need to bury her.” No one responded. “Can anyone fucking hear me I said we need to bury her!”

Dot cautiously got to her level. “I already dug a plot for her. It’s far away enough that nothing can get to her like it did Jeanette.” Toni breathed shakily in response as if she had forgotten how to speak. “It was hard when I lost my dad. I’m not gonna tell you it gets better because it doesn’t. But the pain gets more manageable.” Dot stood up and extended a hand to Toni. “C'mon. Let’s put her to rest.”

As the two of them walked towards Martha, everyone else followed behind in an attempt to give Toni some space. Fatin had a towel under her arm that she placed on the ground.

“We have to lift her.” Nora spoke up quietly. Everyone got into their positions and on the count of three, they lifted and placed her gently on the towel. Dot led the way and everyone walked in silence.

This was different from carrying Jeanette. Toni didn’t know Jeanette. Toni hadn’t seen Jeanette cry over a bad test grade, or laugh so hard that apple juice shot out of her nose. Toni tried not to think about the fact that she could never hug Martha again. Tried not to think about how Marthas parents were out there, wishingfully hoping their daughter was still alive. Toni and Martha would never plan out their class schedules together again, ensuring they had all the same classes together. Toni didn’t even know where she would stay now. Would Martha's parents still want her when she wasn’t there to save their favorite person? Dot’s voice interrupted her thoughts, signaling that they were where they needed to be. Muscle memory took over as they lowered Martha into her makeshift grave and Toni tried her best not to look. The last memory of Martha needed to be one of her beautiful smile or her drunken laugh, not her soon to be rotting body. Toni wondered who the next person they buried would be and wondered if anyone else was thinking the same thing.  
“Does anyone want to say anything?” Shelby questioned quietly.

Fatin went first. “Marcus and I are gonna miss you and your optimism. You were one of the few things keeping me sane here.”

“Thank you for making sure we didn’t die that one time, you were a good friend.” Rachel spoke next.

“I hope wherever you end up, it’s a good one.” Nora followed.

Leah went next. “You never thought I was crazy, so thank you. I’ll miss you.”

Following the order of the circle they were standing in, Dot took a minute to compose herself before speaking. “Martha, you were the best one here. I wish I could’ve helped you. I’m sorry.”

“Thank you, Martha. For everything. I pray that God watches over you.” Shelby spoke.

No one expected Toni to say anything and she was thankful for that. They all began piling sand on top of her before her body was almost entirely covered. The hole was almost filled to the top when Toni finally mustered up the energy to speak. “Gi zah gin.” While the pronunciation might have been off, it meant “I love you” in Ojibwe. Dot tossed the last handful of covering onto the pile and everyone made their rounds giving Toni a hug. It seemed Dot was the only one who realized Toni was stiff as a board, so she offered a sympathetic smile as well. Despite the fact that they both knew it wasn’t offering anything substantial, Toni still appreciated Dot and her efforts.

Everyone else had walked away, leaving Shelby and Toni standing over Martha. Shelby grabbed Toni’s hand and placed a gentle kiss on the top of it. Toni jumped back as if she had been scorched.

“Are you okay?” Shelby questioned.

“My best friend fucking killed herself, Shelby. Do you think I’m okay?” Toni retaliated.

“That’s not what I meant. I meant with me, I’ve tried to hold your hand twice now and you’ve jumped back.”

“Seriously?” Toni scoffed. “That’s what you’re worried about right now? That’s fucking rich.”

“I know you’re upset, I’m-.”

Toni cut her off. “You don’t know shit, Shelby.” Tonis' jaw clenched. “You know what I know? I know that this is your fucking fault. If you hadn’t needed a stupid fucking buddy to go and get food, Martha would still be alive.”

Shelby tried not to let the words sting her. “You offered to come with me, Toni.”

“Oh so this is my fault? Fuck you, Shelby. If you hadn’t been so focused on trying to fuck me in the middle of the woods we could’ve gotten back here sooner and I could’ve saved her. I could have fucking saved her.”

Shelby had tears welling up in her eyes. She knew Toni didn’t mean it, but she couldn’t help but feel like there was a knife being plunged deep into her back. But The Lord taught her to be kind and kind she would be. “I’ll leave you alone.”

“Do you like to run away from all your problems? Sure fucking seems like it.” Toni spat back. Her words felt like venom and Shelby couldn’t be further away from an antidote.

Shelby had had enough. “I lost someone too, you know. My best friend Becca took her own life the day after we had a nasty fight and I’ve worked every day to try to make it up to her, her family and God. So I’m sorry Toni, I know you’re hurt. But you don’t get to blame this on me. You don’t get to blame it on you, either. It’s no one's fault.” And with that, Shelby wiped away her tears and walked away, leaving Toni next to the friend she’d never forget.

Toni could tell a couple hours had passed as the horizon began showing signs of sunrise soon. She had stayed by Martha’s side all night not even daring to sleep, as if Martha would walk around the corner at any second and laugh at the joke she had just played. Martha’s laugh rang in Toni’s ears as she thought about all of their memories. Not all of them had been good, but not all of them had been bad. Martha was the sister Toni was lucky enough to stumble across and all she hoped was that Martha knew just how much she loved her. Toni had never felt a guilt like this before and expected it to stay present for a while but she hoped what Dot had said was true, she hoped it would become more manageable. By now, the sun was rising and Toni made her way back to the base where everyone but Shelby was sleeping.

“Hey. Can I talk to you?” Toni asked as she looked down and fiddled with her fingers. Shelby stood up and the two of them walked and sat down on a rock. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have tried to blame you. This is my fault and I need to live with that.”

Shelby went to reach for Toni’s hand but stopped midair, her hand falling back to her side after a second thought. “Toni, I told you. This is no one's fault, I promise you.”

“You can promise me all the shit you want, it’s not gonna change how I feel.”

“I lost someone too, you know. I know I wasn’t nearly as close with her as you were, but she was my friend no matter what you may have thought at the start.”

Toni hestited for a moment.“I can’t do this.”

“We can get through this together, I’m here for you and so is everyone else.” Shelby reassured.

“No. This.” Toni gestured between the two of them. “I can’t be in a relationship or whatever the fuck this is when I just lost the most important person in my life.”

Shelby understood. “I’ll be here when you’re ready.”

“I don’t know when that’s gonna be. You can’t just wait around like some lost dog until I think I’m ready just for me to find out I might never be ready.” Toni replied. Her voice was softer than it was yesterday, she knew she had hurt Shelby and that was just another thing on her list of things she’d never be able to forgive herself for.

“Are you breaking up with me?” Shelby asked the question they both knew the answer to. Toni’s hand rubbed the back of her neck as she nodded with her head down. “Well, I’m still here for you. Friends.” Shelby outstretched her hand for Toni to shake.

“I- I can’t do that either. I can’t be just friends with you Shelby. Not when I think about you all the time. I’m sorry. Maybe on another island in another world we could’ve had something great.”

If Shelby was honest with herself, she was expecting a breakup but this, she was not. “Please don’t do this. I can’t lose you both ways Toni, you’re the best friend I got.”

Toni couldn’t help but laugh. “Yeah. Look at what that got Martha. I’m sorry, Shelb.” Toni awkwardly went in for a hug, tears present in both of their eyes. Pulling away, Toni walked past everyone else who had now woken up and grabbed some of her belongings, ignoring their calls. Shelby sat on the rocks stunned, unable to hold back her tears. Memories of the two of them flashed in her mind like a movie trailer and she hoped that maybe tomorrow, or the next day, or next week, the two of them would be able to try this conversation again but Toni’s selflessness would get in the way. Deep down, both of them knew that they needed each other but to Toni, this was the only way to protect Shelby. Toni thought she had an uncontrollable temper, an ability to ruin most things and a way of hurting those she cared about and Shelby knew that all of those things made her into a stronger person. Made her into the person she had fallen in love with. It seemed silly, sure, they had only been on the island for a month or so and Shelby had fallen in love with the only lesbian there but it was true and everyone knew it. _Maybe on another island in another world._

Toni made her way back to Martha’s plot and sat down, tears spilling before she even reached the ground. If there was one thing Toni hated the most it was crying, she hated the vulnerability but Martha had always told her there was a beauty in it so just this once, she would let herself cry without feeling guilty. After all, she had far too many things on the list already. Instead, Toni sat and cried, telling Martha, wherever she was, about Shelby and what had just happened. A part of Toni felt bad, outing Shelby like that, until she was hit with the first harsh realization of many that Martha would never say anything simply because she couldn’t. Toni laid the pillow she had grabbed from the base on the sand and placed the last can of La Croix from Martha’s stash next to her. Toni hadn’t been there for Martha when she needed her the most and she would never be able to forgive herself for that but until rescue eventually came, Toni promised both of them that she would sleep next to her every night that passed.

“It’ll be like a really fucked up sleepover.” Toni whispered to herself as she cracked open the can of La Croix. “Gimikwenimin. Gi zah gin.” _I’m thinking of you. I love you._

**Author's Note:**

> don't blame me by taylor swift is a shoni song and i will not be taking criticism. i normally write fluff so lmk how the angst is and feel free to follow me on twitter @/TALKLlKETHAT if you wanna talk about shoni, the wilds or anything in between. kudos and comments are always appreciated and thank yall for reading :') <3   
> dedicated to lou for letting me scream about this as i wrote it love u


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